to the white liberal who doesn't want to go to holiday dinner because Trump won

I've been contemplating writing a blog or rant after this week's election of Donald Trump to the US Presidency. But then, what hasn't been said? On all sides, everyone has an opinion, or someone to blame, and the stories of protests and hate crimes grow.

The latter is the most concerning to me.

Many of you are gearing up for holiday dinners where red and blue folk come together to feast. I've heard some of you say that you aren't going this year or your plans will have to change.

Hold on. Stop, right there.

If you truly believe in social change, or racial & gender equity, then you really have to go.

You are on the front lines of a war that has been simmering under the surface and is starting to boil back over our country. You probably didn't choose to be in this position; you were probably born and then college-educated away from these folks. But they're still your people. They're still part of you.

And we need you.

We need you to gear up and head to the front lines.

So this blog will serve as a rally cry and hopefully, encourage some tactical preparation (not all strategies work for all families* - be smart with your choices. And if you have additional strategies - share them in the comments below!)

LISTEN MINDFULLY

When Trump comes up, breathe. You knew this was going to happen. Someone is going to be very chipper about this. Some may outright gloat. You know your family. Prepare, practice, and breathe.

Mindful listening is one of the most important ways to practice and embody Love. So, if you say 'Love Trumps Hate,' this should be one of your ways to show it. (See Thich Nhat Hanh with Oprah for more)

Don't try to interrupt. Don't try to argue your finest points, culled from hours of reading the Huffington Post.

Just don't do it. You aren't here to compete. The election is over.

Your goal is to reestablish connection with your family.

Ask questions about how they saw the election and campaigns. Really try to understand them and WHY they voted as they did.

Ask them about their values. What do they think is important? What is worth fighting for?

Let them talk and try to understand them and how they see the world. This is crucial for moving forward or building community with them.

They may try to poke you with trigger words or their own questions back. They may scare you with a deep white supremacist belief system. Just shake your head and say, "I really want to understand you. Because I haven't been able to understand why you or anyone else would vote for him. Clearly there's something I'm not getting."

KEEP YOUR CONCERNS IN THE PRESENT AND FUTURE, NOT THE PAST

Ask them if they've heard about the increase of hate crimes against diverse groups of people this week. Ask them if they've seen whywereafraid.com. Tell them about what you saw on the bus or at work. Tell them what happened to your neighbors. Tell them what happened or is happening to you.

OWN these moments. Do not use hypothetical stories or hearsay. Concrete, real examples are much more powerful. AND you do not, I repeat DO NOT, have to defend Bill or Hillary Clinton's unethical behaviors...your ability to call out racist/sexist people (including the President-Elect) is from your OWN position. I can call out a sexual predator. I can call out a liar. I can call out a hater. I can condemn that behavior. My values compel me to condemn this behavior.

Ask your family what they think about these things or what they would do if it was them. And not from a place of defensiveness, but sincere curiosity. Are they impacted by others' situations? Have they also seen or heard things from friends? This is a way to subtly make them aware of their privilege, if they haven't heard anything. You can remind them of how they may not have to see or deal with this form of terrorism. (NOTE: Be careful with the term 'privilege,' it is entirely coded and a trigger word with many conservative folks. And remember, you cannot shame people to change. They must willingly join a movement based in Love.)

CALLING OUT VS. CALLING IN

Many have written about how we stay critical and accountable to one another in our movements toward social justice, while at the same time, allowing for different opinions and perspectives. If your family members are to become our allies in this movement, they have to feel welcome here. They will not join any group as a shamed or punished member. And if we believe in a future where ALL voices and bodies are welcome, that includes your racist uncle. Sorry, but it does. Practice multiple strategies for different contexts. Whether calling in or calling out, the goal is to help someone identify a place where they might change language, behavior, and/or tone. Be careful of using or defending the term Politically Correct - another trigger word in conservative circles.

Addressing Fear: Most racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc. cannot be overcome without a psychological understanding of the root causes of these fears. If you were raised by and around these folks, chances are YOU, also, once held these fears. When did you become aware of your prejudices and insecurities? How did you feel when you became aware - ashamed, hurt, guilty? What did you do to overcome these feelings? Explore back through your own consciousness-raising, these are paths that others can follow.

Addressing the Hierarchy of Oppressions: who has it worst? This is a debilitating route for any of us to take. We can and must work toward Liberation with an intersectional approach. Family members may feel that their class struggle is worse than race or sex discrimination. We can validate their fears of Capitalism, while at the same time pointing out that it is futile to compare it to someone else's experience of racism in this country. We can also remind them that more people share their struggles, than don't. Their struggle doesn't have to be theirs alone. We all want more economic security and can help each other, rather than fight each other.

ESTABLISH POSITIVE, NEW FAMILY NARRATIVES/TROPES/SCRIPTS

If your family identifies as Christian, then help them dig deeper into their Christian values. How can we be a family that practices what we preach? How can we be more like Jesus? How can we spread His Word in a way that is consistent with His message? How do we 'love our enemies?' How might we 'turn the other cheek?' Why did He perform miracles to feed and help so many? Why is the story called The Good Samaritan and not The Good Person?

If your family claims "white" identity, help them dig deeper into what that means. Ask them what connects you to other light-skinned people, really? Because what you know from studying history, the only reason whites continue to identify together is to keep other groups down, not because there is some inherent connection between descendants of different regions of Europe and Scandinavia. Discuss the differences of race and ethnicity. Your family should celebrate it's actual ethnic heritage(s), rather than a heritage built on segregation, oppression, and hate. Tell them you have no pride in being white. Help them be proud of your French, German, and Swedish heritages; claim your immigrant stories and struggles.

If you find a strong level of resistance to changing family scripts, keep using 'I language' to claim your space:

I want all people to feel safer.
I think we become better people when we get to know different people and learn to trust each other more.
I think it's important to stay open to learning new things.
I want us to be the people who save lives and help people, and provide refuge to those who are desperate for safety.
I believe that freedom isn't just for you and me. It is for all people, even if they are different than us.
I think we're better people when we practice Love.

If your family members try to disassociate Trump's social agenda from his economic policies or anti-establishment rhetoric, remind them that they cannot separate those things. Votes don't come with caveats or line-item vetoes. They are an overall endorsement of promises and perspective. Certainly, the folks committing hate crimes believe that other Trump voters are with them and support their actions. That's why they're bolder. Family members, who truly want to disassociate, can and should join our efforts to stand against hate, to resist our families being torn apart by increased incarceration and mass deportation, to support those fighting for dignity and equal access, and to help protect all of our constitutional and inalienable rights.

DEBATE

Do your homework. There are a few key talking points to address with most Trump supporters. Anticipate and be prepared for these.  Others have done some of this work for you, but it is always best to grow and learn for yourself. Look through multiple sources - credible and noncredible - and understand that distinction. Use tools like this to see how different worldviews are constructed and maintained.

Choose your battles. You cannot counter everything and expect that the family is growing closer together. It is exhausting and futile. Listen and look for the most important arguments - raised volume, color/flush in face, repeating, etc. These are the ones you will have to address to persuade them to think different.

Never lose your values. Regardless of what you've heard, debate isn't about winning and losing. It is about how we come to conclusions/decisions and what information we utilized to get there. One doesn't have to get the other person to concede, to feel successful in a debate. But one does have to have a clear message or goal. Yours should revolve around our highest value: Love. What gets us closer to love? Who is demonstrating love and how?

LAST WORDS

Thanksgiving might not go very well. That's okay. Hopefully things don't go too bad and y'all still plan to have Christmas dinner together.

If you believe in nonviolent r/evolution, you have to be willing to engage in multiple battles, on multiple fronts, and you have to remain committed to social justice values, embodying them in your conflicts and acts of resistance. We know that we will not realize true social change through violent means. The master's tools never dismantle the master's house. You must enact change with Love. Sometimes it will be Tough Love, because actions carry consequence.

My hope is that you don't want your family to be left behind when so many of us are building a more hopeful, sustainable, inclusive path to the future.

I believe we will win these battles and more of our conservative families will step across a steep divide to join us, but only if we find the ways to communicate with them.

We cannot put this work on the backs of our queer communities, friends and allies of color, and nonChristian congregations. It is not their burden to carry. They have carried this long enough.

This is our responsibility. This is our duty.

Be thankful. Be kind. And let's do this.



*If there is abuse, addiction, or other potential threats, please seek other resources (see below) to assist you and know that self-preservation is more important than building allies with Trump supporters.

Additional resources: (feel free to share more links in the comments)
Al-Anon Family Support: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
American Civil Liberties Union: https://www.aclu.org/
Amnesty International: http://www.amnestyusa.org/
Anti-Defamation League: http://www.adl.org/education-outreach/
Australian Human Rights Commission: https://itstopswithme.humanrights.gov.au/resources-1
Mental Health Support: https://www.mentalhealth.gov/
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: http://www.nrcdv.org/
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
Southern Poverty Law Center: https://www.splcenter.org/what-we-do
The True Colors Fund: https://truecolorsfund.org/

Thoughts on being multiracial as I wait for the Ancestry DNA results

Until the philosophy which holds one race superior,

and another inferior,

is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned,

everywhere is war.

Bob Marley

I feel blessed that one of the messages that Mom drummed into my head was "different isn't good or bad. It's just different." It's a lesson that has stuck and one I have shared many times as an educator. I often use this mantra as a foundation to give myself strength to explore more, in those times when I am uncomfortable or in cultural shock. Breathe. It's just different. Not bad or good. Just different. I've learned so much with this approach. (Look, I've eaten balut on a few occasions; this is a courage-giving mantra!) I've made friends and fallen in love with people from different lands and cultures. I embrace integration and the free movements of people across the globe. I look to others for knowledge, experience, and strength. I continue to see remarkable acts of survival, kindness, and good humor in diverse places and faces. I have faith in people. In humanity.

When it truly matters, I believe people aren't as messed up as the internet bots make us think. We sometimes deny responsibility for things that are entirely in our control or don't understand our own power to change things. But, I think most people share similar values than not. I've taught in some of the most diverse classrooms in the San Francisco Bay Area, and every year I saw evidence of this: Family. Health. Security. Knowledge. Love. Justice. Honor. The exact details are often different (not bad or good), and the conversations about those details always open the door to exploring these cultural differences. Why do we call different ideas the same word? Are we talking about different ideas or different practices of the same idea? Why do these differences cause war? How can all of us be fighting for freedom?

As a mixed race kid, I often saw these differences. I didn't have academic language and experts to learn from, but I was attracted to other mixed identity and queer kids because we shared outsider perspectives and could be more honest, more real, with one another. We often swapped stories of what it was like to visit one side of our family. We discussed how we had to talk or act different (code switch) with different relatives or in different locations/situations. We talked about doing this and tolerating behaviors because we love our families...each culturally distinct side of our families. We found (or tried to find) ways to see them as not that different from one another. Or at least not too different that we couldn't bridge those gaps.

I've always felt pride that my paternal grandparents crossed oceans to meet and fall in love in San Francisco decades ago. Ethel came over from Denmark through Ellis Island when she was a very small child, with her parents and older brother. Julius came as a merchant marine from a refugee camp outside Baghdad, although his family was from northwestern Iran. They shared Christian faith and a language in common (English) and started a beautiful family. If they were both alive today to see their grandchildren and great-grandchildren, they would beam with pride.

My mother's side has its own fascinating and intriguing history. My grandfather, Super Swede, through his father, carries a strong Scandinavian lineage. The paper family tree I have names them back for hundreds of years. (although it is only half of his DNA makeup) His mother's side is more complicated and still to be explored. My maternal grandmother, along her father's side has roots in America and pioneer life dating back to early colonial life. But her mother's, my great-grandmother Ruth, still holds quite a bit of mystery. (And a lot more Scandinavian bloodline than previously thought.) Both of my grandparents had their DNA results completed recently. My mom's results confirmed their combination of these results. They are 100% European with ancestry spanning Scandinavia to Eastern Europe.

A few evenings ago, my son Julius and I spit into little vials, to send our DNA to be decoded via the good folks at Ancestry. My prediction is that my results will show 75% European and 25% Middle Eastern based on what I know of my heritage. My son's results (his father was a donor from Central America) should have more illuminating effect. I'm excited to see deeper into our histories, as DNA testing allows.

I think more people should do it. No, I'm not working with Ancestry or anything, I just think it's particularly eye-opening, especially for people who believe in such thing as pure race, or pure culture. The DNA trail often challenges that. More times than not, it shows how small the world is, and how mixed people have been for eons. I think having this awareness can allow people to get along better across differences. This video is always a charming testament to the idea: that perhaps we are all cousins.

And if we are all really mixed and products of migration, displacement, and bondage, then maybe we could find a strong, shared foundation with which we envision a new humanity. One where we are all similar in our differences and mixed identities. One where we feel interconnected and interdependent. One where everyone we meet could be a distant relative. One where we all have stories and perspectives to share. One where we value others' stories and perspectives because they enrich our lives. One where we love deeply because of such intrinsic, shared human experience. One where our love and relationships are so unique because through all of the endless possibilities we found each other, here, now.

Almost forty years ago, Harvey Milk said,

Gay brothers and sisters, you must come out. Come out to your parents. I know that it is hard and will hurt them, but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives. Come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors, to your fellow workers, to the people who work where you eat and shop. Come out only to the people you know, and who know you, not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths. Destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake.

I feel this way about my mixed race/mixed ethnicity folks. You know who you are. The ones who deny how complex your heritage may be, so you just claim one ethnicity, or one race. Do the deep work. Accept and acknowledge the many differences that make up You. These differences are not good or bad. They are essential. Without these differences, you would not exist. A child I know was parroting Donald Trump's anti-Mexican rhetoric last spring, and I had to cut him off with one direct question, "aren't you half-Mexican?" He turned red and got very quiet. The self-hate is growing strong with this one. And with so many others. When he should be feeling very proud for his Mexican heritage. (which has its own complicated DNA stories)

So, the lesson here, is to dig deep and own your lineage (with all its shameful and celebratory details). DNA testing opens doors for folks who do not have paper trails to follow. It allows us to see a bigger picture about our relationships in the world. It helps us understand ourselves and how we came to be. It has the power to create the shared cultural experience necessary, for us to embody a new way of being and thinking about one another, across difference.

I can't wait to see our results!

Pain in Public

Reading Ashley Smiley's story this morning on my Facebook news feed, I couldn't help but reflect on my own experiences. As a white, cis-gendered woman, I struggle with how to support Black folks in times like these. My presence, my body, often creates barriers through which meaningful dialogue isn't always possible. But I remain committed to this struggle, so here's one of my own stories to continue this important discussion and invite reflection and insight.

Last year, my friend Jessica, a Black woman from Oakland, became very upset at a conference of community members in W. Oakland organizing against gentrification. Former Oakland Mayor Jean Quan had the audacity to show up, even though predatory lending and foreclosure auctions flourished under her watch. The thing was, the conference was crowded. There was not room for everyone to join the morning session, but the waves parted for the Former Mayor to join the conversation, when they didn't for those like Jessica, who were struggling with displacement in that actual moment.

We stood outside while Jessica screamed at the world, people driving by, people walking by, anyone and anything that moved outside that conference. I checked myself that I wasn't going to be the one to try and silence her emotional display. It was real, it was deep, and as a friend, I needed to let her release a lot of what she was feeling.

As one after another, mostly Black women, tried to calm her down, I tried to reason with them that she needed to release. That we shouldn't calm her, that we shouldn't be scared of her emotions, that she needed support and understanding. The police had driven by several times after we were out there, and I knew them stopping would escalate the situation more than stop it. PTSD for folks who have dealt with police before, is a real thing. Do I let her scream and yell with the threat of them stopping? Do I try and silence the emotions that she can't contain any longer? What the hell do I do? How can I remain conscious of my privilege, my body, in this moment?

It was interesting to watch the faces of the men and women I engaged with, hearing a white woman say that we were going to stand back, listen, and let Jessica release because she had every right to be upset. They agreed on such a deep level, while at the same time were worried about how the perception of a 'crazy Black lady yelling and screaming outside the community center' might keep people from coming in; I imagine they may have also had to stifle their own intense emotions to avoid being labeled the 'angry Black person' at some point in their own lives. Some continued to try to get Jessica to be quiet, while others began to build bridges by listening to what she was saying and then seeking points of connection.

We were not kept from attending the other sessions. In fact, many of the people outside talking and listening to Jessica were encouraging her to get in and share her emotions and situation to the people in the space. This community found a way to allow for a public emotional outburst, that made everyone uncomfortable - even me, at times - and tried to turn it into something productive.

At lunch, we were eating with our children and friends. Again, the Mayor passes by, triggering Jessica. Jessica stood in the road (which was blocked off for the lunch festivities) unleashing a barrage of criticism at Quan for being at the conference when Quan wasn't willing to do the work to help keep Black people in Oakland when she had the POWER to do something...For Quan cheering on the encampment in downtown Oakland during the Occupy movement, then sending the police and the Department of Homeland Security to assault and evict us with tear gas.

After a few moments, the shocked bystanders and people sitting outside eating, were really listening to what Jessica was yelling and many of them found themselves agreeing. People began applauding and saying "yea!" after Jessica's points. Quan left the area. And Jessica received a round of applause for calling out the Former Mayor, for telling it from her heart, for speaking truth to power.

I took a risk, by trying to keep everyone from shutting down Jessica's outbursts that morning. It was awkward as heck, approaching the Black women who were coordinating the conference to engage them on how we could allow for my friend's emotions to be okay in that space. I learned a lot about my own privilege and was reminded how we toe the line of offense and disrespect so often. This experience reaffirmed my belief that compassionate communication and a commitment to mindful listening have power that is intimidating, awkward, and potentially, totally transformative.

That day could have definitely ended differently. It could have ended with my friend arrested, her child taken away, or even her being injured or killed. We have to be willing to listen and support without penalizing or criminalizing the very real emotional experiences of Black people in America. James Baldwin said, "to be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage all the time." In most de-escalation training, the first steps are about being present as a listener. Holding back judgment, listening with eyes, ears, and hearts, and validating others' experiences are some good strategies.

Would love to hear others' strategies and stories of support. We MUST be present and supportive of one another, especially in times of crisis, in order to build this better way we so often talk about.