I've been contemplating writing a blog or rant after this week's election of Donald Trump to the US Presidency. But then, what hasn't been said? On all sides, everyone has an opinion, or someone to blame, and the stories of protests and hate crimes grow.
The latter is the most concerning to me.
Many of you are gearing up for holiday dinners where red and blue folk come together to feast. I've heard some of you say that you aren't going this year or your plans will have to change.
Hold on. Stop, right there.
If you truly believe in social change, or racial & gender equity, then you really have to go.
You are on the front lines of a war that has been simmering under the surface and is starting to boil back over our country. You probably didn't choose to be in this position; you were probably born and then college-educated away from these folks. But they're still your people. They're still part of you.
And we need you.
We need you to gear up and head to the front lines.
So this blog will serve as a rally cry and hopefully, encourage some tactical preparation (not all strategies work for all families* - be smart with your choices. And if you have additional strategies - share them in the comments below!)
LISTEN MINDFULLY
When Trump comes up, breathe. You knew this was going to happen. Someone is going to be very chipper about this. Some may outright gloat. You know your family. Prepare, practice, and breathe.
Mindful listening is one of the most important ways to practice and embody Love. So, if you say 'Love Trumps Hate,' this should be one of your ways to show it. (See Thich Nhat Hanh with Oprah for more)
Don't try to interrupt. Don't try to argue your finest points, culled from hours of reading the Huffington Post.
Just don't do it. You aren't here to compete. The election is over.
Your goal is to reestablish connection with your family.
Ask questions about how they saw the election and campaigns. Really try to understand them and WHY they voted as they did.
Ask them about their values. What do they think is important? What is worth fighting for?
Let them talk and try to understand them and how they see the world. This is crucial for moving forward or building community with them.
They may try to poke you with trigger words or their own questions back. They may scare you with a deep white supremacist belief system. Just shake your head and say, "I really want to understand you. Because I haven't been able to understand why you or anyone else would vote for him. Clearly there's something I'm not getting."
KEEP YOUR CONCERNS IN THE PRESENT AND FUTURE, NOT THE PAST
Ask them if they've heard about the increase of hate crimes against diverse groups of people this week. Ask them if they've seen whywereafraid.com. Tell them about what you saw on the bus or at work. Tell them what happened to your neighbors. Tell them what happened or is happening to you.
OWN these moments. Do not use hypothetical stories or hearsay. Concrete, real examples are much more powerful. AND you do not, I repeat DO NOT, have to defend Bill or Hillary Clinton's unethical behaviors...your ability to call out racist/sexist people (including the President-Elect) is from your OWN position. I can call out a sexual predator. I can call out a liar. I can call out a hater. I can condemn that behavior. My values compel me to condemn this behavior.
Ask your family what they think about these things or what they would do if it was them. And not from a place of defensiveness, but sincere curiosity. Are they impacted by others' situations? Have they also seen or heard things from friends? This is a way to subtly make them aware of their privilege, if they haven't heard anything. You can remind them of how they may not have to see or deal with this form of terrorism. (NOTE: Be careful with the term 'privilege,' it is entirely coded and a trigger word with many conservative folks. And remember, you cannot shame people to change. They must willingly join a movement based in Love.)
CALLING OUT VS. CALLING IN
Many have written about how we stay critical and accountable to one another in our movements toward social justice, while at the same time, allowing for different opinions and perspectives. If your family members are to become our allies in this movement, they have to feel welcome here. They will not join any group as a shamed or punished member. And if we believe in a future where ALL voices and bodies are welcome, that includes your racist uncle. Sorry, but it does. Practice multiple strategies for different contexts. Whether calling in or calling out, the goal is to help someone identify a place where they might change language, behavior, and/or tone. Be careful of using or defending the term Politically Correct - another trigger word in conservative circles.
Addressing Fear: Most racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc. cannot be overcome without a psychological understanding of the root causes of these fears. If you were raised by and around these folks, chances are YOU, also, once held these fears. When did you become aware of your prejudices and insecurities? How did you feel when you became aware - ashamed, hurt, guilty? What did you do to overcome these feelings? Explore back through your own consciousness-raising, these are paths that others can follow.
Addressing the Hierarchy of Oppressions: who has it worst? This is a debilitating route for any of us to take. We can and must work toward Liberation with an intersectional approach. Family members may feel that their class struggle is worse than race or sex discrimination. We can validate their fears of Capitalism, while at the same time pointing out that it is futile to compare it to someone else's experience of racism in this country. We can also remind them that more people share their struggles, than don't. Their struggle doesn't have to be theirs alone. We all want more economic security and can help each other, rather than fight each other.
ESTABLISH POSITIVE, NEW FAMILY NARRATIVES/TROPES/SCRIPTS
If your family identifies as Christian, then help them dig deeper into their Christian values. How can we be a family that practices what we preach? How can we be more like Jesus? How can we spread His Word in a way that is consistent with His message? How do we 'love our enemies?' How might we 'turn the other cheek?' Why did He perform miracles to feed and help so many? Why is the story called The Good Samaritan and not The Good Person?
If your family claims "white" identity, help them dig deeper into what that means. Ask them what connects you to other light-skinned people, really? Because what you know from studying history, the only reason whites continue to identify together is to keep other groups down, not because there is some inherent connection between descendants of different regions of Europe and Scandinavia. Discuss the differences of race and ethnicity. Your family should celebrate it's actual ethnic heritage(s), rather than a heritage built on segregation, oppression, and hate. Tell them you have no pride in being white. Help them be proud of your French, German, and Swedish heritages; claim your immigrant stories and struggles.
If you find a strong level of resistance to changing family scripts, keep using 'I language' to claim your space:
I want all people to feel safer.
I think we become better people when we get to know different people and learn to trust each other more.
I think it's important to stay open to learning new things.
I want us to be the people who save lives and help people, and provide refuge to those who are desperate for safety.
I believe that freedom isn't just for you and me. It is for all people, even if they are different than us.
I think we're better people when we practice Love.
If your family members try to disassociate Trump's social agenda from his economic policies or anti-establishment rhetoric, remind them that they cannot separate those things. Votes don't come with caveats or line-item vetoes. They are an overall endorsement of promises and perspective. Certainly, the folks committing hate crimes believe that other Trump voters are with them and support their actions. That's why they're bolder. Family members, who truly want to disassociate, can and should join our efforts to stand against hate, to resist our families being torn apart by increased incarceration and mass deportation, to support those fighting for dignity and equal access, and to help protect all of our constitutional and inalienable rights.
DEBATE
Do your homework. There are a few key talking points to address with most Trump supporters. Anticipate and be prepared for these. Others have done some of this work for you, but it is always best to grow and learn for yourself. Look through multiple sources - credible and noncredible - and understand that distinction. Use tools like this to see how different worldviews are constructed and maintained.
Choose your battles. You cannot counter everything and expect that the family is growing closer together. It is exhausting and futile. Listen and look for the most important arguments - raised volume, color/flush in face, repeating, etc. These are the ones you will have to address to persuade them to think different.
Never lose your values. Regardless of what you've heard, debate isn't about winning and losing. It is about how we come to conclusions/decisions and what information we utilized to get there. One doesn't have to get the other person to concede, to feel successful in a debate. But one does have to have a clear message or goal. Yours should revolve around our highest value: Love. What gets us closer to love? Who is demonstrating love and how?
LAST WORDS
Thanksgiving might not go very well. That's okay. Hopefully things don't go too bad and y'all still plan to have Christmas dinner together.
If you believe in nonviolent r/evolution, you have to be willing to engage in multiple battles, on multiple fronts, and you have to remain committed to social justice values, embodying them in your conflicts and acts of resistance. We know that we will not realize true social change through violent means. The master's tools never dismantle the master's house. You must enact change with Love. Sometimes it will be Tough Love, because actions carry consequence.
My hope is that you don't want your family to be left behind when so many of us are building a more hopeful, sustainable, inclusive path to the future.
I believe we will win these battles and more of our conservative families will step across a steep divide to join us, but only if we find the ways to communicate with them.
We cannot put this work on the backs of our queer communities, friends and allies of color, and nonChristian congregations. It is not their burden to carry. They have carried this long enough.
This is our responsibility. This is our duty.
Be thankful. Be kind. And let's do this.
*If there is abuse, addiction, or other potential threats, please seek other resources (see below) to assist you and know that self-preservation is more important than building allies with Trump supporters.
Additional resources: (feel free to share more links in the comments)
Al-Anon Family Support: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
American Civil Liberties Union: https://www.aclu.org/
Amnesty International: http://www.amnestyusa.org/
Anti-Defamation League: http://www.adl.org/education-outreach/
Australian Human Rights Commission: https://itstopswithme.humanrights.gov.au/resources-1
Mental Health Support: https://www.mentalhealth.gov/
National Alliance on Mental Illness: http://www.nami.org/
National Resource Center on Domestic Violence: http://www.nrcdv.org/
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
Southern Poverty Law Center: https://www.splcenter.org/what-we-do
The True Colors Fund: https://truecolorsfund.org/
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